How is it that children who were raised by the same adults turn out so different? I don’t want an answer. It’s a rhetorical question. When it is a family member, I give them multiple chances to show a better side of themselves. It doesn’t always turn out as you hoped or prayed it would. That’s where a better understanding comes by knowing what Control Dramas are in play and how to extract yourself from them. When you have reached the end of that road, it’s time to compassionately express your needs to that person for your own happiness. Is it hard? For sure, but getting out of toxic relationships is best for long term happiness and peace of mind. (I still pray for that relationship to regain its previously healthy state.) Recently, I made a decision and took a stand for what I wanted my relationship to look like with someone very close to me. But it took a “final straw” for me to reach this point. I was hurt, angry, in disbelief, and truly “out done,” as my Mom would say.
Our biggest lessons come from family members or frien-mily (friends like family), and are the hardest to learn. If we didn’t know them so well and how they were before the change it might be easier to deal with. We keep trying to understand why that person does what they do. I have analyzed this situation to the nth degree, to no avail. And I have learned to just stop trying to figure it out. I’ve been trying to help others stop trying to understand it too. This person has excuses for everything to keep from interacting with their family except when one of the members dies. I guess that’s a good thing, but…. I’m not judging the behavior, at least I don’t think I am. I’ve just decided without question to accept them for who they have shown themselves to be — multiple times. What’s the saying by Maya Angelou, “when a person shows you who they are, believe them.” Well it certainly works in this case.
This, though, affected me in such a way that I had to journal to get rid of the disappointing, angry feelings and thoughts repeatedly going through my mind. I have only had to do this a couple of times before in my life, so this was a very big sign to me as to how badly I was affected. Then I started thinking about where this fell in the Control Dramas picture. This is a combination of Poor Me/Victim, Aloof with some other sub-dramas included. I have thought back to a conversation I had over two decades ago where this person thought they were treated badly as the reason for how they act towards someone. It is implying that someone else may be responsible, and if they refuse to help the Poor Me/Victim those things will continue to happen. Of course, it isn’t justified especially when they have manipulated and taken for granted what was entrusted to them; displaying an attitude of entitlement. That’s unforgiveness and blaming someone else for their situation in my opinion.
I know I’m not the only one who has experienced this. I do know, however, that we don’t have to keep accepting this behavior. I often tell people, and I firmly believe, we are required to love others (that’s our innate essence), but we don’t have to like their behavior. It’s insanity to keep putting your heart out there for folks to step on and run all over. I say NO MORE. I love you, but I’m DONE.